Sitting here for so long trying to put my thoughts into an order where I can accurately express my current problems/feelings is just a huge example of my hypervigilance. Which is what makes a lot of things hard for me. I over-analyze everything without letting myself feel what I am really feeling. And it’s probably why I have substance abuse problems, because I rely on those to quiet the constant shit in my head and analysis of everything and everyone around me. That’s why heroin is my ultimate drug I guess, because it removed all of that. Nowadays I don’t do dope, I just lay in bed smoking weed all day every day until I get drunk somewhere with someone. I know that I am not in a mentally stable or very healthy state. But I don’t know how far I want to explore that.
I am going back to work tomorrow after maybe about two months, it’s hard to keep track. I hear the voice in my head saying “You just have to go, have a good attitude, smile, hustle hard, don’t let it get to you.” I have to. There are bills to be paid. But I am kind of terrified. I don’t know. I bought some hair extensions that I can swish around and make me feel sexier and may make it easier to pretend I’m not me, and now I can drink at work legally. So those things may help. Maybe I’ll just make up a completely new persona, leave Sadie behind and start fresh.
Ask me whatever the fuck you want, k? http://formspring.me/electricpuha