realizing I never really learned how to deal with my feelings

I kept myself wound so tight growing up. And when I discovered drugs and alcohol I found that was an even easier way to forget about less than desirable feelings. Now I’m finally sober the majority of the time and things are getting scary. My twitching is getting more frequent again. I want to write about this but I don’t even know how. I guess that’s the problem, huh?

MAKING IONE LISTEN TO LADY GAGA

Ok not really “making him” but w/e. I feel like I’m getting sick so I’ve been lying in bed all day wishing I had some weed to make my tummy feel better. Ione made me some chicken noodle soup which I have been able to eat a few bites of. I just reallyreallyreally need to get my new pin number in the mail today so that I can finally use my debit card (my dumb ass forgot my pin so I had to get a new one sent to me) and take some $ out to hopefully procure some drugs. 

Sitting here for so long trying to put my thoughts into an order where I can accurately express my current problems/feelings is just a huge example of my hypervigilance. Which is what makes a lot of things hard for me. I over-analyze everything without letting myself feel what I am really feeling. And it’s probably why I have substance abuse problems, because I rely on those to quiet the constant shit in my head and analysis of everything and everyone around me. That’s why heroin is my ultimate drug I guess, because it removed all of that. Nowadays I don’t do dope, I just lay in bed smoking weed all day every day until I get drunk somewhere with someone. I know that I am not in a mentally stable or very healthy state. But I don’t know how far I want to explore that.

I am going back to work tomorrow after maybe about two months, it’s hard to keep track. I hear the voice in my head saying “You just have to go, have a good attitude, smile, hustle hard, don’t let it get to you.” I have to. There are bills to be paid. But I am kind of terrified. I don’t know. I bought some hair extensions that I can swish around and make me feel sexier and may make it easier to pretend I’m not me, and now I can drink at work legally. So those things may help. Maybe I’ll just make up a completely new persona, leave Sadie behind and start fresh.

My government teacher in high school showed us this in class and I was reminded of it recently. Everyone should watch this, especially if you like smoking weed and painting on shit that’s not yours and not getting arrested!